The Sustenance of My Well Being; Thought vomit.

They say it takes something traumatic to change a persons life. Who “they” are has always eluded me but they seem to have it all figured out. Is there a membership or a secret handshake I should learn? How do I obtain this enlightenment and move past this stage of ambivalence? Confusion. This existential crisis has reared its head once again and thrown me into limbo. Despair. I’ve looked death in the face before but not like this, no this time it’s different, this time it’s not I that get called up to slow dance with death but instead my Grandmother being courted. Taunting in ways I could never fathom. Helpless. I stare at her under the dreary LED hospital lights that give off an eery glow. Painstaking hours waiting by her bedside, regretting all the times I ever mistreated her and didn’t show her the love that she gave me. The bitter taste that’s left in my mouth forces me to get up and grab water. As I’m walking through the halls of the hospital it starts coming to me. It’s like remembering a dream, I’m taking a journey through this haze and I realize that I shouldn’t mourn, at least not like this. I walk back in and for the first time I see her smile, she’s looking me in the eyes. With all her strength she lets three words escape: “I love you.” Euphoria. My hands clam up, I have a burning sensation welling in my chest, is this what love is? Before I can say anything the ECG machine lets out a whining sound and before i know it thunder surrounds my being and shakes my very core. I’m thrown out and left to wonder what’s going on. And then it happens. Anguish. I wait, pupils fully dilated, hands trembling. Finally the nurse comes out and says “It will be alright. You need to leave now.” Relief. I step out into the summer night, the most sober I’ve ever been, and noticed that I have a little more stride, a fire in my chest. Now it all seems so clear. Hope.